Enduring the sound of construction outside, I think about those outside tonight, with people, with alcohol, with companionship. I think about how if in the same position 2 years ago, I'd be rather disappointed to be home on a Friday night. Yet, I contemplate the weeks prior from today and all the 'noise' and the expectations needed to be met; I find solitude in my room, in my home.
To enjoy the solace of it being quiet, to not hear the sound of another person can be a peaceful thing. To not listen to their voice, to their demands, their thoughts, their response. I mean no disrespect, but at many times, I'd figured that in this world, we are all designed in some way to please others - to always meet the respect, satisfaction and happiness of another person - this is bound by ideals of friendship, love, relationship, father, son, daughter, mother, husband and wife - there are 'natural expectations' built upon the understanding of these relationships.
Of late, I've truly tried to understand the value of people, of friends. To understand that not all friends may seem to be of value. Sad but true. When I think of some friends and ponder a little more, I question this ideal. I used to think that some friends can stand the test of time by simply saying nothing for years yet remain friends. Frankly, this is true. These are friends. But in truth, I think there is no friendship. Fallacy indeed.
And tonight, in strange ways, I choose to be selfish. To exclude myself from the world and thoroughly enjoy the sound of complete nothing. My body has taken a strange turn of experiencing pain of late. Physically. It is a burden indeed. It is a strange state to be in. To be so strong, yet to be so weak. Mentally, this is difficult. Easily annoyed, I'm looking for the quietness to creep in. Somewhat reminds me the hours in Melbourne, cold nights, strong winds and pin-drop quite. I miss those now.
To find some sort of peace in absolutely nothing. No plans, obligations or people.
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